One of my many faults, oh believe it or not I DO have faults, is that I tend to find myself living and reliving the past in a nostalgic type reverence as in an old film. I find myself looking into the moments of the past as if they were better than the present. In a sense, that the days that can never be repeated are better than the times currently. As if the sun shone more brightly, the nights were more romantic, the food richer, the drinks stronger. I romanticise the past, the places and people that can never and will never be again.
The water was warmer in New Zealand.
The kisses were sweeter on that bridge in Cincinnati.
The mountains were more beautiful when I was a child.
The Chicago winter was sparkling.
Texas wasn't SO bad...
Oh the times were better!
And what a folly to live this way. I have been training myself to stop these thoughts and to realize that, despite the tricks our mind plays, the reason I find the past so much more intriguing is simply because my memory chooses to remember things the way I wish they were. I think many of us fall into this trap. It is easier to live in the past, to remember the people and places that our paths have taken us as we wish to remember them, rather than to realize the beauty of our present. When in fact the true beauty of life are the moments of now. All of the journeys and triumphs and failures bring us to where we are at this singular moment, moments that as you read this (as I type this) are continually passing. It seems such a waste to miss the moment of the now to live in the moments that can never be again. Failure is especially daunting. It may seem trite to say but failure is never truly failure, if you are able to approach it with a healthy view of the now. Failure simply means that the choices we have made did not work out the way we expected them to, and now we must make alternate decisions. We must forge a new trail and simply try something else. The cliche "failing up". My failures have brought me back to this wonderful place, to a home that I have been searching for, to friendships to cultivate and adventures yet to be had. I don't really think I can call that a failure. Nor should I spend my time missing out on the amazing backdrop of my current life reliving the past.
Oh no. Not this girl. Not anymore.
Regret is healthy, it keeps us from repeating poor decisions. But to carry regret around is simply unhealthy. Of course it is good to remember the positive aspects of the people of our past, but if we forget the bad as well, we allow the bad to be acceptable. The same for places, moments, and actions.
But to forgive, ah that ever elusive forgiveness, yes that too comes in time. And we should always forgive, lest we not forget. Yet even forgiveness should be healthy. To move forward, to allow our life to continue, and know that we will not allow others to dictate how we live our life.
If this comes off as preachy I am truly sorry. I am, in no way, an expert of anything but prehistoric ceramic and lithic production, but I have lived. And this is a lesson my life has provided me.
I could sit here and reflect on the pain of heartbreak or the many places I have been that have far overshadowed this chilly cafe...or...
I can take a moment right now to look around, at the oh so fashionable college kids, the mother with the brand new baby (which of course every hipster girl is simply FAWNING over), the taste of the americano, and the music accompanying my typing and enjoy this lovely moment...right now.
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