...terrible with fear. The worry kind of fear. I get it from my Papa who worries about the family like it is his job. When I screw up, when I hurt someone or someone gets angry with me I worry. I can't sleep, I fear being left behind, I don't eat, and until the situation is talked about, hugged out, and maybe a few tears (on my part) are shed I can't think much about anything. I am sure this is unhealthy in so many ways but when I care about someone, no matter in what facet I am connected to them, this is just the way I react. The idea that my mindless actions could hurt or anger someone just tears me up into pieces.
My favorite of the Four Agreements (insert "ack" sound here) is 'take nothing personally', but when you are the one doing the damage, how does this work? How am I suppose to move throughout my day thinking 'oh hell, I fucked up. Oh well, doesn't matter'. It does matter. I can't even begin to explain how many times just in the past few months I have worried and fretted and cried and made myself sick over the fear that I may have hurt someone. Despite the common misconception that most people are ass holes who live only for their own self preservation, I am in fact a believer that people are not like this at all. I believe this because I know I am not. When I care, I care a lot (oh! Insert Faith No More 'We Care A Lot) and when I love I love wholly and when I screw up, well, I seem to do that to a pretty damn good extent as well. I had a boyfriend, who will remain nameless, in my mid twenties who was not the best boyfriend to be honest. He cheated on me, he lied to me, he would do things just to plant that seed of fear and I still believe to this day that he enjoyed watching the downward spiral when the fear and worry took full control. It was the the worst and most damaging of relationships I have ever had, and I was too blinded by what I thought I saw in him to just...up and leave. When we finally did break up he said something to me that has haunted me and hurt me more than any other sentence ever had. When I asked him why he did what he did, why he enjoyed seeing me react with such fear and concern he said, "Sarah, you have a big heart, and you have a lot of love to give. I wonder if you will ever find anyone who will be able to shoulder that kind of love, if anyone will ever want to." Sure, it sounds somewhat nice, but under those kind-like words was another jab, to plant another seed of fear. That I will be alone. Oh, he was such an ass.
We all eventually find some sort of balance in our lives with fear and worry. We worry about people, about money, about our futures, our children, our future children. I have been lucky that the friends that have stuck with me through years of tumultuous passion understand that this is just Sarah. I have dated people who have been able to take a step back and bring me down when I am so worked up and sick with worry, even when they are STILL fuming with anger. I have a mother who will answer my calls in the middle of the night when I can't sleep because of something that is beating on my brain. This is just how it works. I will always be affected by fear, I will most likely over think and be reactionary, and the people that know this will also be blessed to know that there is someone out there who cares for them so much and with such honest dedication that they will always have someone who fears and worries for them, until they get home. Until they are safe. Until they are not angry. Until they are happy.
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